Unavailable Men

It's as if my recent dating history was the sub-plot in some romantic comedy, because I am that girl who dates unavailable men. Well, let's say has been dating unavailable men, so it sounds less fatalistic.

And as that girl, I'd like to fling the fault as far away from me as I can and say the problem is the men because, well, they are the unavailable emotional introverts, or socially inept, or residents of countries half way across the world.

So probably I have been dating these unavailable men because, well, I would date the available ones if I ever found the place where they hang out. And, I feel I would have plenty a premise to back up that claim, seeing as how I go out, and I ask different kinds of men out, and I say yes when they ask me out too.

But in all honesty, it's not really their fault if they have an established life in a different country or a teenage daughter to support, or a budding career on which to concentrate.

So is it my fault??

Just recently I criticized myself for looking too much for love with my head and not enough with my heart, but maybe that's wrong. Maybe sometimes in love I am a (cringe) idealist in the sense that a certain Beatles' song plays in my head the moment I fall for an unavailable dude, and I rationalize all notions of the impracticality of our relationship with sappy mantras like, "but i need you", or "love conquers all".

Could it be that I'm a closet compartmentalist, just happily anticipating the moment when I can bury myself in the all-fulfilling, all-satisfying love of one man (that's sarcasm), and don't have to pretend to enjoy juggling the variety of interesting aspects of my diverse life, like my friends, my career, my hobbies, etc?

Maybe, just maybe, the answer is that I don't want to be committed to anyone right now, so I am drawn to the unavailable man because hypothetically, no real relationship can result from our courting and because (sigh) I TOO am unavailable.

Hats off to assertiveness

My roommate is young. And smart. And hot. So reasonably she gets a fair share of dates. Especially because she's so assertive and, "not waiting for him" to ask her out (take THAT, greg).

But the last dude she asked out is also great. Not only is he tall, dark, handsome, intelligent and funny, but he's also assertive. Yes, you read that correctly. HE is assertive. On their first date, yoga hour at Yoga Oasis followed by yummy veggie sandwiches and 2 hours of great conversation, he closed the evening off by saying, "I just gotta say this. I like you. And I don't want to waste my time, so let me know if you're into me too."

Oh. How. Nice. Way to go new dude of my fabulous roommate!

Please, tell all your friends: chicks don't like to waste time either. We actually LOVE it when guys are honest and tell us they're into us (in a non-creepy way, i.e. we'd like to go out on at least ONE date with you before you profess your love).

We do NOT like it when dudes try too hard to be cool like, ahem, my current dude does.

FYI: dude, you don't have to try to look cool for us. We already think you're cool. If we didn't, we wouldn't be out on a date with you, or answering our phones when you call, etc.

So, anyways, way to go roommie, for finding one of the only assertive and sexy ones out there.

Men vs. Guys

Poet and academic Cathleen Calbert wrote the following article in the Modern Love section of the New York Times about Men vs. Guys.

It's an article that I enjoyed reading, however I am unsure if the man/guy dichotomy she employs is reflective of her personal beliefs on the subject or is more of a literary device to talk about things like coldness and wonder in males.

Either way, the subject has definitely come up among different groups of my friends on several occasions, although we tend to dichotomize men and boys, not men and guys.

One friend, for example, thinks that BOYS try to impress you with things they have or things they've done ("yeah, well, it's difficult for me right now with all the rental properties I have around town, which is kinda unusual for a young guy like me," or "I don't know if you're aware of this, but I'm the top salesman in our company this month, which is odd 'cuz I just started working here 5 weeks ago"). While MEN, well they just impress you with simple things like remembering to ask you about yourself (and not about what you think of them), or checking in to make sure you're having a good time.

Another friend, says that GUYS work on cars/bikes, watch football and wear old jeans and t-shirts all the time (to which I politely responded that I have GIRL friends that do this, but that's another topic for another post); while MEN work on cars, watch football and wear old jeans and t-shirts--just not all the time.

And a third friend thinks that BOYS still don't know when to turn off the one-liner charm and just hang out, while MEN are comfortable enough to be themselves around you and simply hope for the best.

This dichotomy, however, gets convoluted when we start to classify academic males, both friends and love interests. My roommate says that precisely because academics don't act like men (in the traditional, patriarchal, tell-you-what-to-do way) that they are men (in the contemporary academic, shy and awkward way). Her point, she tells me, is that the idea of "man" is one of admiration and respect; and since the traditional patriarchs aren't necessarily admirable and respectful to women, then the male who is a non-traditional male is the new MAN. This new man tends to be uber-educated, or at least uber-analytical, she says.

Calbert says that all the academic males she knows are GUYS because they're all possibility, full of curiosity, capable of swooning over new, exciting writers. I'd argue that that only makes them academics, not GUYS or MEN.

In any case, I think my friends and I have talked so much about this dichotomy--that, unlike Calbert I am no so sure that males are actually that aware of--because we are consistently confronted with less than adequate males (that we tend to label "boys"), and our dreams of dating Don Draper-like-males (who we tend to label "men").

I think Mariana put it best, "It's like that Neko Case song, where she sings, 'I want the Pharaohs, but there's only men'. I mean, I personally want the men," she tells me, but we both sympathize with the loneliness of being surrounded by something you don't desire while simultaneously your desire is nowhere to be found.

Cougaring??

My best friend, Maureen just posted the following as her Facebook status:

"New life plan: marry myself with my new engagement ring by the time I turn 27 (original count down to losing the big V) so that I can diovorce myself (I talk too much) by the time I turn 28 and become a COUGAR! When I grow up I want to become a COUGAR!"

Followed by

"Let the cougaring begin! Any takers???"

I find this laugh-out-loud funny because Maureen is THE biggest planner I know, and I find it funny that she has gone into uber-planner mode at 26.

(Recently) I am kinda uber-anti-planning (my love life, that is), and it's working out pretty well for me, but not that well for recent love interests (you know who you are, you tall intellectual boxer/researcher you who has decided not to read my blog anymore. sorry, again, for being a semi-douche bag).

However, although Maureen's "cougaring" might seem like over-planning at first, I think it is actually laughing in the face at planning (love lives, that is). It's saying, that searching for men is as asinine as proposing marriage to and buying a ring for yourself (notice I didn't say picking the ring out was bad. I not even sure I want a ring. Maureen does, though. Sigh, I digress).

I love your odd irony, Maureen, and your honest humor!

Don't hesitate

Why are guys always hesitating?



Why do guys think that the best idea is to text a girl first instead of calling her?

Why do guys respond to women's phone messages by texting?

Why do they ask you (via text) if you'd like it if they set up some kinda date sometime INSTEAD of calling you and ASKING you out on a date?

Why do they ask you if you want them to walk you to your door instead of just walking you to your door? (Can anyone think of a reason why it'd be a BAD idea to walk a woman to her door?) If nothing else, a brisk walk to the front door avoids the awkward car hug/face bang/handshake/wave/whatever. My last date didn't walk me to the door. Instead, he implemented the nose slam followed by the reach-n-retract (where a dude reaches over to kiss/hug you and then quickly retracts because he doesn't gauge your interest, or gets nervous, etc.). Awkward, but no judgment.

And clearly, I could call a guy (and have) instead of waiting for him to call me. I could ask a guy out (and have) instead of waiting for him to clearly formulate the quesiton, "Want to have dinner with me Thursday?" And, when a guy drops me off I could say (and have said), "So, are you going to walk me to me door?"

However, I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting here, and why should one person have to do the majority of the grunt work?

And, as Maureen loves to quote Greg--and I am beginning to (gasp!) quote him too--"if he's not calling you, he's just not that into you."

Guys who are into me won't hesitate to call; won't hesitate to ask me out in a clear and concise manner; won't hesitate to walk me to my door; etc. And when that happens, I won't hesitate to respond in an equally non-hesitant manner.

Making LOVE??

So, I have a list of quirky dating ideas to develop into blog posts, and a new idea usually goes to the end of the line. Not this time! This time I decided to follow a suggestion that appeared today in my inbox from Anne, a good friend who does NOT read my blog because grad school made her "against reading things on the computer."

Writes Anne:

andrea,
when did it come acceptable for men to call fucking or having sex "making love?" i've had two men say this to me within the last year without saying i love you first. hmm. then i ask myself well should i be having sex with someone i haven't said i love you verbally to? to one guy (an english language learner) i actually corrected him as having sex instead of making love and he was like no making love sounds so much better and would continue to use this terminology. ugh! write a blog about this.
anne

Good question, Anne. I know (from experience) that all my Latin American lovers have said "hacer el amor" and I was totally cool with it, even when I was just learning Spanish. I attribute my comfort level with "being made love to" because whether or not you are in love with your partner, sex is an act of love. And I don't have to be in love with someone to do something loving. Or lovely, for that matter.

Love appears in a variety of forms and in my opinion is responsible for the majority of the good things in this world. My friend Eva turned me onto the following "love" quote from social psychologist Erich Fromm,

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.”

Refering to having sex as "making love" does indeed assume a higher level of intimacy than having sex or fucking (who refers to having sex as 'fucking' other than when we're being purposefully crass and sarcastic?), and so maybe if Anne is not ready for an emotionally intimate relationship with her partner than "making love" is NOT something she is ready for either.

But in all honesty, I haven't been having alot of sex lately and can't really speak about this from recent personal experience. The next time I find a guy who I'm into enough to sleep with, I'll be sure to pay attention to whether he refers to our fucking as having sex or making love.

And in Frommian spirit, I hope he talks about how great it is to "make love" to me.

Am I Already Ready Already?

The other day I was talking with a friend about relationships (surprise). He mentioned that he was looking for something kinda serious with a woman and that he liked being in serious relationships in general (evidenced by the 2-3 really serious relationships he's had in the past several years).

"I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now," I told him. But apart from telling my friend, I felt like I was affirming my current dating status to the rest of the world.

"I'm not ready for anything serious."

Or am I?

Are serious relationships like one of those things you're never really ready for but always just kinda find yourself in?

Like the first time Roberto took me home from work. He had just finished his pro soccer career, I had just moved back to Mexico after a bad relationship. Neither of us were ready for anything. Then all of a sudden we're holding hands on the street, I'm meeting his mom, and we're living in Spain together.

I wasn't ready for that serious relationship and yet Roberto and I spent almost four years together. Maybe an individual is both the best and worst gauge of how "ready" she is for a relationship. On one hand, I didn't want anything serious. On the other hand, I found this man that I clicked with more than I had even clicked with anyone before. So the head says no but the heart (?) says yes, both assuming they are the more adequate judge of my romantic readiness.

At the end of the day, I'm not so sure that readiness has that much to do with our romantic encounters. Like with Roberto, or Brian, or any of my previous partners, I wasn't ready logistically (too young, living in a different city or country, etc) to be seriously involved with either, but that didn't stop my heart from making an attachment (or keeping it, in regards to the latter). One can choose how she pursues and reacts to her feelings, i.e. not sleeping with the married man you're into, moving to Texas for a love interest, etc. But she can't choose what feelings she has.

As my friend Nadia from Ghana translates a relevant quote from her native French to English, she advises me, "Andrea, the heart is the ultimate decision-maker. It doesn't not care how "ready" you are or what country you are from, etc." The other foreign women around us in this moment agree. "The heart wants what the heart wants," they proclaim.

Maybe Nadia's right. Maybe my heart's already ready already to take the wheel. At least once in a while.